I remember once being told, “It’s not working between us”. Like most who have crossed their teens and are into the social niche termed young adults would readily relate, it’s an experience that you can’t do without. While being on the receiving end this time, arguably, it’s not the fondest of my memories. But that day, a dull evening on this aimless drive together, i countered with, “but we can’t stand not being without the other”. She dropped her head and in a sorry tone said, “I know. But that’s no more because of love. It’s only that we have become a habit”.
It’s been a good long while, and the event has become etched in the pages of history with an agreeable ink and pages tuned hence. But the last line, about having merely become a habit still frightens me sometimes. She had said it right, as she was oft in habit of. Though isn’t it saddening, almost verging on tragic that many a times we remain in a relationship because leaving is just too painful. And like in this case, you only remain because it has become a habit and to break a habit takes a will that comes not easy.
It has happened with me, and more than just once that things run their course and simmer down. The company ceases to thrill, the charm, that magic which held you glued together are done with. And all that remains is the unnerving presence of the other admixed with these wonderful memories of days long past, leaving you in a confusing conflicted state. The present comes to suck, but it stands on this imposing pedestal of past love that you sit trying to cope with both realities on a single canvas. True enough that past is not, at least in my little experience has never been, convincing a reason enough to endure a present. And to leave seems the only ration choice. But that’s when again comes another bundle of tumult and turmoil.
‘We were well together before, why can’t we again’ becomes a recurring nagging notion, because one, it’s a very valid thing. And two, let’s face it, being single sucks. We can make all high and mighty claims on loving self, pursuing your passing, getting a hobby and keeping company of one’s own, but frankly, to be by one-self sucks. It’s nice to have company. Someone to laugh with, to lunch with, to live with and to love. It’s nice to share. More than that, it feels damn good. So when you stand on the threshold of “i can stand you no more” and flicker weighting happy days of past, the weight of present and the possibility of lonely lunches in immediate future, and add to it a generous sprinkle of the inertia of habit, to then take the leap becomes just too tough.
But one needs to realise that, that little leap, which seems quite a dive into a chasm at that point, will only do us good. As a matter of fact, it will do both good. No relationship goes sour at a single side. It’s a ball game that’s played in pair. And anything that transpires affects both mutually. And you know what, while trying to make things work is definitely a great thing to do, but when it fails, rather than to linger on to see what happens or when your patience gives way, let go. You will regret the other less. And remember the whole thing, may be not with the fondest of smiles, but a little smile none the less.
Honestly, to tell someone someday reminiscing, ‘she was great, it’s just that it didn’t work out between us’, and to genuinely mean it is a great thing to take from a failed relationship. Guess the right word should not be failed, but rather a relationship that built you to understand the whole dynamics of being in-company a bit better. To understand yourself a bit better. And be in as it may, while life’s simple, we need to be amazingly fortunate to live it thus. Most just mess it up. At least, it’s been true in my case. And it’s never too late to clean your mess. I at least genuinely hope so.